The Rumor Report

It sucks to be John McCain these days.  First he loses the election, no thanks to Caribou Barbie.  And now, “news” about his wife’s indiscreet love-affair with another man are leaked to the “press.”

According to the latest issue of the Enquirer, such a respectable and reliable publication, Cindy McCain is having an affair!  And they have the pictures to prove it.  Albeit, the pictures are of a grainy, low-quality, the witness who snapped the photos assures the Enquirer that, it is none other than Cindy.

Here’s what the witness has to say:

“I couldn’t believe I was watching Cindy McCain passionately kissing and hugging another man!”

That’s the stunned reaction of an eyewitness who says he watched in shock - and snapped photos - as the former presidential candidate’s wife romantically kissed a long-haired man who resembles “a washed-up ’80s rock musician.”

The article goes on to say:

“To my amazement, Cindy had her hand on his shoulder and was kissing him passionately on his lips,” the photog told THE ENQUIRER.

A second witness spotted Cindy and her “mystery man” at a Moody Blues concert “passionately kissing and hugging.”

“I couldn’t believe it. I remember thinking, ‘Go get a room!’

“They kissed and cuddled. While other concertgoers stood up to cheer and sing, Cindy and the guy remained entwined in their seats,” the eyewitness.

It’s really hard to tell from the pictures if that’s really Cindy McCain or not.  The woman in the photos could be any old, skinny white lady with long blonde hair.  Maybe this is a case of mistaken identity, and Mrs. McCain will set the record straight.

Until then, we’re running with the rumor.  Get the whole scoop in the latest issue of the National Enquirer.

Well, maybe…$55 million for Johnny Depp to play Captain Sparrow- again! Don’t get me wrong, I love the Deppster as much as the next girl, but $55 million to watch him swagger about like crusty old Keith Richards- that’s just ridiculous! Just where is Hollywood getting all it’s gillions of dollars from anyways? Could they be printing their own currency? Ok, we know that the world LOVES the Pirate movies, and they made Disney booko-bucks, but $55 million? So, with that kind of money and proven success rate, why isn’t the government turning to Hollywood for help with the economic-meltdown? Clearly they have their stuff together in La-La Land, no economic crises there. What could the government learn from the movie industry? Make movies, raise funds. Here are some suggestions guaranteed to be hits:

The Dark Knight- You can’t go wrong with a super-hero movie, especially one inspired by the summer’s blockbuster hit. A Joker-like villain and his ghouls wreak havoc in “Capital City” and only the Dark Knight can save the day.

Pennsylvania Avenue Pit Bulls- A lovable, wise-cracking pit bull is lost in D.C. and she has to find her way back home to the Adirondacks, but first she must escape from evil dog-nappers who plan to ransom her. Talking dogs, a silly premise, and celebrity voices are a fail-proof formula that works for Disney time and again.

Forgetting Sarah Palin- A romantic-comedy for the stoner crowd, based on Judd Appatow’s summer hit. An ambitious small-town politician dumps her loser boyfriend in the hopes of making it to the White House. But things don’t go as planned for the title star, when her running mate turns out to be a dud. Will the boyfriend take her back? Wait a minute, I think we’ve seen this one already…

Arctic Thunder- Four wash-outs try to revive their political careers by starring in an action film set in the Arctic, their mission is to stop renegade, environmental terrorists from saving the polar bears and interferring with a big oil company, trouble is they think they’re still shooting a movie. Lots of slap-stick and bathroom humor guarantees box-office success.

Rumor has it that Bristol Palin can read. If mom Sarah Palin had been paying a little more attention to the books Bristol was reading, instead of shooting wolves form a plane she might’ve considered having “the talk” with her daughter. Oh well, that’s what happens when you take out Sex Ed from the schools and teach kids to say No to sex. So, we’ve compiled a list of popular young adult novels that could indicate your daughter (Willow) is getting her freak on. So, listen up Sarah Palin!

1. Boy Crazy by Hailey Abbott- An old-fashioned term for skank, Sarah Palin should’ve read the writing in the book.
2. The First Time by Francine Pascal- Sweet Valley High meets Judy Blume’s forever, but without the realism.
3. Prom Night: All the Way by Megan Stine- What better time to pop that cherry than prom night? you might want to get a chastity belt for Willow before letting her out of the house on prom night.
4. Easy by Kerry Cohen Hoffman- She’s not “easy”, she’s open-minded.
5. Lost It by Kristen Tracy- And never to be found again, this is what happens to your youth when you get knocked up at seventeen, take note Willow.
6. A Bad Boy Can be Good for a Girl by Tanya Lee Stone- Bristol Palin took this a little too literally, but I’m sure Levi has done wonders for her.
7. Doing It by Melvin Burgess- Sex, sex, sex, and more sex! Teen sex was never so blunt.

You know you’ve arrived when Larry Flynt makes a porno inspired by you. And that’s the case for Sarah Palin who will soon have an X-rated movie released inspired by her. And how could she not? The VP candidate has the look of a tarty librarian and the hair of a porn siren, she’s got all the right ingredients for porno magic.

This can’t possibly hurt the candidate’s chances for winning the erection, I mean the election, she’s got the vote nailed -no pun intended- with the horny, beer-drinking, rifle-slinging, average Joes. John McCain couldn’t have made a wiser choice for VP when he chose Mrs.Palin as his running mate. He knows the scoop: sex sells, and Palin is the poster child, wet-dream for middle aged, trailer-park-dwelling types who love eighties up-dos and women with guns in high heels.

Palin does an excellent job, in real life at appealing to lower denominator of American constituents already, so will this porn movie help to elevate her even more? It seems that this woman is immune to bad publicity. Even her train wreck of an interview with Katie Couric hasn’t had the repercussions it ought to have. And the SNL spoofing hasn’t appeared to have any real impact in how the media treats her. If anything the lines of reality have so been blurred that at times it’s hard to tell the difference between the real Palin and Tina Fey. And now the porno, which will no doubt be a hit, despite bad acting and cheap production could propel Palin into a whole different ballpark. Will American male voters make the distinction between the governor of Alaska and the porn star playing her? And do we need a Vice President who could inspire such trash?

This is surrealism at it’s purest. I can’t wait to see the movie, and I can’t wait for the elections. As the elections get nearer we have to ponder what kind of a society we have here: A sex-driven, woman-objectifying, pandering soceity that uses women’s sexuality to bring forth it’s own chauvinist agenda (i.e. the GOP and Larry Flynt).

What is Miley Cyrus thinking? Rumour has it that the teen star is having second thoughts about continuing her role as Hannah Montana. Word has it that Miley has been purposely showing up late to work in order to get fired, but Disney execs aren’t going for it. It seems that Miley and dad Billy Ray have told Disney they will only stay on for twelve more episodes, rather than the agreed upon twenty four. The folks at Disney are so pissed off that they’ve added six more episode, on top of the twenty four. It’s going to take some major negotiating to get out of this one. And if she does break her contract with Disney, Miley Cyrus might be met with some backlash. Even her Hannah Montana co-stars are fed up with her bratty behaviour. She’s really coming across as a total diva, and completely full of herself. It’s understandable that Miley wants to push her limits, she’s a sixteen year-old girl who has tasted the elixir of fame, and now is an addict. It’s time for an intervention.

Am I the only one who thinks this a totally dumb move on Miley’s part? And why is Billy Ray enabling his daughter to put her career in the toilet? Does anyone else think Miley needs to tone the attitude down?

It’s no surprise that blond bombshell Pamela Anderson, likes to date rock stars, but this rumor is a little hard to believe. It seems that Pam was spotted with pop legend Michael Jackson at a Malibu hotel…on a date!

Pamela Anderson’s taste in men is less than refined to say the least, but Wacko Jacko?

Rest assured, Pam says they’re “just friends”.

“He just wants me to be in a video,” she told Ellen on her show.

We’re relieved to hear that their relationship is “professional” in nature, but now we have to wonder, what kind of video is it going to be?

Lil Bow Wow ain’t so little anymore, people! And he’s become quite the cocky one, maybe it’s because he’s dating Rev. Run’s daughter Vanessa Simmons(not to be confused with Angela, Vanessa’s little sister, whom Bow Wow dated on-again, off-again last year). The young rapper was recently seen in a YouTube video challenging bad-ass rapper the Game to a ‘Madden NFL 09‘ face off, the stakes: 100Gs, which the winner would donate to a charity. They haven’t set a date yet for when the show-down will go down, but we will definitely keep you posted about the winner. Who do you think would win? My bet’s with the Game, he’s been playing since ‘88, and like I mentioned earlier, he’s a bad-ass. Lil Bow Wow’s a lil’ punk with big mouth. Right?

This weekend of death started on Saturday with the passing of 50 year-old actor/comedian Bernie Mac from complications due to pneumonia. Bernie Mac died in a Chicago-area hospital, he suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory disease of the lungs. The Emmy and Golden Globe-nominated actor was best remembered for his performances in the Oceans Trilogy, Transformers, Bad Santa, and Friday, to name a few. Mac who got his start in entertainment as a stand-up comedian in Chicago returned to his roots in 2000 when he toured the country as one of the Original Kings Of Comedy. He also starred in his own TV series on Fox’s The Bernie Mac Show. Most recently Mac had completed work on Soul Men, a film which he co-starred with Samuel L. Jackson and ( also, recently departed ) Isaac Hayes.

Speaking of Soul Men and Isaac Hayes, the musical genius who brought us the Theme of Shaft and Walk On By, died yesterday at the age of 65, in his home near Memphis, Tennessee. According to reports he was found unconscious in his home by his wife and young son. Hayes was a legendary songwriter, musician, record producer, actor, celebrity scientologist, and most famously he was the voice of Chef on the animated series South Park. The Grammy Award winning artist was inducted into the Rock N Roll hall of Fame in 2002, and had just recently finished work on the movie Soul Men, to be released later this year.

And so concluded this weekend of death, R.I.P. Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, you will be missed.