Ever since I saw Victoria Beckham on Jon Stewart, I knew she was a be-atch on wheels. She may be part of the British "royalty" (if being a former Spice Girl counts for royalty in England) and she is certainly stuck up enough to be in the be-atch category. I won't even begin to talk about what a cold fish she probably is in person or in the privacy of her own home. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about why I think David Beckham has fallen truly, madly, and deeply in love with Tom Cruise and why I don't blame him for doing so.

Sure, we know that Tom is Cuckoo for Katie - the whole Oprah couch incident is something I would really like to get off my mind, but let's face it, Tom probably just had a crush on her from her days as a high school student on Dawson's Creek. But as weird as Tom Cruise is, it's difficult to deny that he is a man of many passions.

To clarify, he is a man of one passion, Scientology, which is definitely intriguing. How many "religions" involve little green men from outer space? Think of the lively dinner conversations David could have with Tom while debating the merits of Scientology. Think of Tom Cruise's piercing blue eyes.....then, think about Victoria. What are you going to talk about with her? Her new perfume line? Wow-scintillating dinner conversation for sure.

Plus, when David Beckham was kicked off of the national team for poor play, who was there for him? Not his teammates, not the Brits, but the Cruises who flew over to console the poor young underwear model/soccer star.

Then there's the whole  Beckham-Cruise merger of late last year, which is truly difficult to understand. Personally, I think it was more than likely done because gay marriage would not be legal for David Beckham and Tom Cruise. Especially given the fact that they are both already married to women and are of different nationalities.

So, basically, if David were to go for Tom instead of Victoria, he would be related to the King of Scientology himself, have a totally passionate friend who would probably marry him time and time again, and have a loyal friendship with probably the only one who would stick by him if his soccer skills were to suddenly disappear again. Oh, there's the little-known fact that half the world already thinks that Tom is hot for Dave.